Self-loathing spiral

Let’s get this year started off right with a good old fashioned self-loathing spiral. It can really ruin your whole week if you know how to activate it.

First, you need to be really hard on yourself. During this time of New Year’s resolutions, it comes all too easily. It practically happens all by itself. Just sit down and examine your life. Think back, I mean really think, about why you suck so much. Think about your weaknesses, and really try to focus on these. Dwell on them like a bully would.

Not working yet? Grab a fistful of fast food and turn on some home movies. Not the really old stuff (everyone was an idiot then, and it’s easy to shrug off), no you’ll need some fresh material. The more recent history works well — anything in which you are clearly doing something stupid, yet old enough to know better. I’m partial to the span from age 14 to 19. It’s a good period for serious self-humiliation. Don’t fight the sensation of being shoved back into your middle school persona. Just let the awkwardness and desperation wash over you.

Now, while you’re thinking of how you’d like to change in the coming year, be sure to remember why you’ve failed to change in the past. Remember all your hopes and dreams and your shortcomings and downfalls. Remember past relationships and how you blew it. Remember your weak-willed, pathetic, loser face and your dumbass, useless life choices. Remember how nobody likes you and how you will die sad and alone, you fucking sorry excuse for a person. You make me sick.

By now you should be feeling pretty terrible, but let’s not forget the most important part — the spiral. What good is crying if it doesn’t start you off feeling worse and worse? You’ll need to activate the vicious cycle by feeling bad about feeling bad. There’s nothing better for this than to look in the mirror while breaking down. Look at yourself, with food crumbs all over you, red-faced and sobbing, and ask yourself, “What the hell is wrong with you?” Actually, kind of scream it. Sometimes throwing in a “you miserable fat-ass!” is useful to get the emotions flowing. If delivered with enough authority and genuine self-hatred, this can really be a devastating blow to any shred of confidence you had left over.

After that, it’s simply a matter of riding out the rest of the day face-down on the bed, screaming and crying into a pillow, and hating what you’re doing, but being unable to stop, which will in turn make it worse. Pro tip: If you get up periodically to refresh your loathing in the mirror, try to have spittle and snot smeared across your face to enhance the repulsion factor.

Happy New Year!


2 Responses to “Self-loathing spiral”

  1. “Happy” New Year!

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